


Always the Right Time for Memes

by TheOceanIsMyInkwell



Series: I'm Peter, I'm 19 and I Never Learned to Read [5]
Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, Spider-Man (Tom Holland Movies)
Genre: Crack, Gen, Harley Keener is a little shit, Humor, Peter Parker is a Little Shit, Peter Parker is a Mess, Protective Tony Stark, Whump, but only the slightest bit if you squint, everyone is panicking, so much humor oh my god
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-15
Updated: 2020-03-15
Packaged: 2021-02-28 18:07:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 947
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23151436
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheOceanIsMyInkwell/pseuds/TheOceanIsMyInkwell
Summary: “Imminent death, myass,” Harley all but shrieks. “Imma haul yer butt to the MedBay first, strap you to a gurney, slap some sense into you and then kill you, kill you dead, I swear, and then bring you back to life so Tony can have a go--”“Have a go at what?” Tony’s breathless voice interrupts them. He’s all but sprinted into the living room, a backpack somehow mysteriously manifesting on his shoulder and a goddamn wet vac in his other hand.“Nobody’s having a go,” Peter groans.“Oh,fuckme,” Tony hollers. “It’s the eight-legged menace having a go at myheart.”--Peter shows up for dinner bleeding from a stab wound. Harley and Tony are wildly unprepared, and Peter thinks it's always the right time for memes.
Relationships: Harley Keener & Peter Parker, Harley Keener & Peter Parker & Tony Stark, Peter Parker & Tony Stark
Series: I'm Peter, I'm 19 and I Never Learned to Read [5]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1394110
Comments: 37
Kudos: 277





	Always the Right Time for Memes

**Author's Note:**

  * For [notapartytrick](https://archiveofourown.org/users/notapartytrick/gifts).



> Consider this my apology note for posting such heavy angst tonight with Loving and Leaving. Truly. I'm sorry. (For now.)
> 
> This one's in response to my pal @notapartytrick's request to write a drabble based on this headcanon from Tumblr:
> 
> Harley: Why are you lying on the floor?  
> Peter: 'Cause I have depression. Also, I might have gotten stabbed. Could you get Mr. Stark, please?
> 
> And y'all been knew I am nothing but a sucker for these types of situations that should by all accounts be classified as whump but utterly fail to because I throw so much freaking humor into it. Enjoy? ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯

Why Tony sends Harley off to fetch Peter for dinner instead of asking FRIDAY to do the honors or doing it himself or--even better, sticking his own head out the lab door and hollering down the hallway for Pete’s spidey ears to hear--Harley will never know. 

What he does know is that he is in no way prepared to trip over said archno-teen’s figure sprawled across the doorway of the living room, facedown in the carpet.

“Why are you lyin’ on the floor?”

“’Cause I have depression,” Peter mumbles into the carpet without missing a beat. “Also, uh, I may have gotten kinda, um, very slightly stabbed. Could you get Mr. Stark, please?”

“ _Slightly_?” Harley repeats, in a pitch definitely more reserved for his falsetto runs. “ _Slightly_ \--”

“--FRI,” Peter chokes out. “Mr. Stark, please? I submit myself to my imminent death.”

“Imminent death, my _ass_ ,” Harley all but shrieks. “Imma haul yer butt to the MedBay first, strap you to a gurney, slap some sense into you and then kill you, kill you dead, I swear, and then bring you back to life so Tony can have a go--”

“Have a go at what?” Tony’s breathless voice interrupts them. He’s all but sprinted into the living room, a backpack somehow mysteriously manifesting on his shoulder and a goddamn wet vac in his other hand.

“Nobody’s having a go,” Peter groans.

“Oh, _fuck_ me,” Tony hollers. “It’s the eight-legged menace having a go at my _heart_.”

Harley moves forward to grab the backpack, presumably filled with first aid supplies, from Tony’s grip. “Why the hell do you have a wet vac?”

Tony falls on his knees with his hands hovering uselessly over Peter’s inert form. “Baby girl said ‘Peter’ and ‘blood’ and I didn’t hear who it belonged to. Ergo, medical supplies and a vacuum, in case it was a medical emergency or the corpse of our enemy.”

“You sound like you have way more experience with covering up crimes than I care to ask about,” says Harley. He prods Peter until the other teenager responds with a moan and shifts onto his side to reveal the stab wound he’s got a hand pressed to.

“Sure I do,” Tony says, throat tight, voice high. “This one right here is a _crime_ and I’ve been covering his _ass_ for God knows how--”

“Love it when you talk about my ass during these trying times,” Peter pants out. “But, uh, a little less panicking and a little more first aid, please?”

“I am not panicking, I am the farthest thing from panicking, I am fucking zen,” Tony babbles. He grabs the gauze pack from Harley, who takes one look at the man’s shaking hands and promptly grabs it back.

“Help me Jesus,” Harley sings under his breath.

Peter says through gritted teeth, “That’s good. That’s great. Memes are--it’s always the right time for memes.”

“I can’t think,” Tony complains. “I just wanna--grab some plaster and throw it at you, kid.”

“Y’know, in ancient times that was a perfectly acceptable method in medicine. I remember May had this book on the coffee table about Roman soldiers--”

“If both of you could zip it so I can _actually_ staunch the bleeding, that would be real helpful, thanks,” says Harley.

“On it,” says Tony.

“Not a peep from me,” says Peter.

“Shutting up right this instant,” Tony adds.

There’s a moment of tense silence, punctuated by heavy pants on Peter’s end and the nearly audible thump of Tony’s heart going wild in his chest.

“Scratch that,” Harley mutters. “Listening to you two breathe through your mouths is, like, eighteen times worse.”

Tony releases a sigh of relief. “Oh, thank God. You.” He points at Peter, though his finger shakes in the middle of the kid’s face and totally detracts from his affectation of sternness. “Do you have anything to say for yourself? How the hell did you get into this mess?”

“Well.” Peter gulps. “I swear it wasn’t pickles this time.”

“I don’t care if it was carrots or _leeks_ , kid, you never even gave me a full explanation for last time!”

“Right,” Peter says with a grimace. “So there’s all sorts of crazy people on the subway, right?”

“Yeah, no shit,” Harley interjects. “It’s New York.”

“You’re from Tennessee, you’re not allowed to speak,” Peter says with a hurried sniff. “Anyway, so you know how I’ve chased all sorts of weirdos around town. Bird-shooters, sock thieves, rhino furries, octopus furries, honestly--just a whole bunch of furries--and like, you would think it couldn’t get any weirder, right? Well. Turns out there’s such a thing as kitten kidnappers--”

“Oh, _hell_ no,” Harley intones darkly, threading a needle with vengeance, because if there’s one thing you can’t do to cross him it is getting between him and his kittens.

Peter gesticulates wildly. “I _know_ , right?”

“Okay. So,” Tony interrupts with a blink. “This furball-obsessed junkie, what, had a Wusthof knife on him?”

“No, that was the banker on the subway. And the kitten-napper was rather well-dressed. I was _so_ disappointed in his life choices.”

Harley and Tony share a look. 

“Thanks, bud,” Tony squeaks out. “That really cleared things up.”

“Stop asking him to even explain where he gets all his wounds,” Harley advises him. “At this rate, I bet the next culprit is gonna be some, some laundry-sniffing, baboon-looking--”

“Oh!” Peter exclaims with disturbing cheer. “Did I tell you guys about the time the mutated baboon tried to torch the zoo?”

Tony shoves the handle of the wet vac in Peter’s hands. “Please, for the love of all things holy, I’d rather hear you cleaning up this mess.”

**Author's Note:**

> I listened to ["Capriccio stravagante: Il Tambuo - Fiferino della Soldatesca"](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=q18KMqAYVcw) on repeat for much of the time I was typing this, and I think it shows.
> 
> HOLLER AT ME IF YA WILL <3 -kaleb
> 
> muh tumblr: theoceanismyinkwell  
> muh insta: kc.barrie


End file.
